In the previous post, I wrote and told you for Christmas I received a silver necklace in the mail. Attached to the necklace was a silver heart and lettering saying #1 Mom with a red rose inside in the heart with the lettering.
I need to say more about this. My daughter, Taylor Jean, has Aspbergers Syndrome, which is a slight form of autism. She functions in every day living and made the JV Cheerleading Squad. Her favorite subjects are French and Art and she wants to be a Fashion Designer when she grows up. However the AS makes it so she doesn’t function socially at the level she should. Thankfully her school has a class for this and it seems to help with her social skills.
As soon as I went to my dads house I had my step mom put the necklace on for me and I haven’t taken it off since and don’t plan on it. However when it first came in the mail and I read the words #1 Mom I thought how undeserving I was I was of this precious gift.
My Daughter is now 14 and I missed the years of her life from 7 to 13 and 1/2. With the occasional pop in and pop out until I matured enough to know I had to stay clean for a year before coming back into her life. I will never get those years back, but more importantly when my daughter needed her mommy during those years I wasn’t there.
Sometimes she still calls me mommy, because of her AS but also because there were so many years when she needed to say mommy and couldn’t. Of my past mistakes, what I did to my children is my biggest regret. I had them stay with stable family instead of dragging them through my addiction but I wasn’t there for them.
My son who was 3 or 4 when I left doesn’t even remember me. So I don’t push him to talk to me or write. I figure when he wants to he will, if he wants to.
I remember the years before my addiction: a single mom working two jobs at times, paying a mortgage, with two cars, and going to school full-time for my Masters degree(which I did not finish). Yet however stressful that life might seem I remember laughing and playing with my kids in the yard and their rooms and the living room. I remember having them crawl into my bed in the morning to watch tv with me when I just couldn’t quite get up yet. I remember making ice cream sundaes and dinners in the oven. I remember reading to them everyday before we left the house and every night before they went to bed. I read to them before they were even born. Back then I was #1 mom material.
I am trying my best to be the best mom I can from 10 hours away and after all the lost time, but I wasn’t sure I deserved to be called a #1 mom yet. I haven’t had enough time to prove myself again to my daughter, however my daughter is quick to forgive and quick to love.
She thinks I would like this necklace and she bought it for me. I wear it with pride and know that although I’m still proving it to myself, my daughter already accepts me as the #1 mom. She has a step mom in her life and I know her I met her as a friend before my ex married her and she is a kind woman. But in my daughters eyes I am #1.
dailymemoirstofindingmyinnerself 
This is a touching entry. I don’t have children of my own, but can relate on many different levels to what you’ve written.
That’s awesome that your daughter still sees you as #1 mom. I hope she continues to do that. I also hope that your son will one day reach out to you.
I can sympathize with how hard it is to look at yourself positively after succumbing to an addiction, but you’re working hard. Hopefully soon you’ll be able to look at yourself without regret.